Hey Moms! Don’t forget the Dads!

He didn’t seem like himself that day. When I smiled and said hello, he answered me, but I didn’t see his usual, ever-ready smile. As we walked out to the parking lot together, I asked him what was wrong. Our friendship had grown through the school year and I could tell he wanted to talk.

He explained how difficult it was to be home with the kids, how his wife didn’t do anything around the house. She even left her dishes at the table and expected him to clear them for her so she could go relax in the living room after a meal. He did all the cooking, cleaning, washing, wiping, carting, shopping and she didn’t seem to appreciate him.

If I closed my eyes, I could have been listening to one of my girlfriends talking about her husband. (With a bit of a deeper voice, of course.)

Wow.

I feel ashamed of myself for being shocked. Why should I be surprised? Of course he would feel that way. What shocked me was hearing about how thoughtless his wife could be. Do I dare say she behaved like some of my friends say their husbands behave? Well, I guess I just did. And she did. And they do. It seems like no matter what your gender, you want to be appreciated for the work you do, whether you get paid to do it or not. You want a little kindness and respect.

The trails and tribulations of a stay at home dad

When our first son was born, my husband stayed  home with him and I went back to work. My husband is fantastic with babies (his family raised foster babies when he was growing up). I felt lucky to be married to such an involved husband. He had the Dad thing covered beautifully.

After being home for about two months we chatted about how things were going. My husband said he felt excluded from conversations at parenting groups and he wasn’t sought out for getting together outside of planned class time. Other Moms got together, but never included him. The Moms weren’t mean, they politely chatted and greeted him each week in class, but that was about it.

We discussed why the Moms might do this: I thought the Moms didn’t want a Dad around to hear them complain about their husbands. He was one of them after all! How could he possibly understand?

My husband laughed, then added a very interesting perspective. Men/women friendships can be tricky in the first place. Just because you’re both parents, the unwritten laws may not go away. Is it okay to ask your Mom friend for advice about your child before you ask your own wife? Is it OK to call up your Mom friend and talk on the phone in the evening even when your wife’s home? Guys don’t do that with each other, but would it be okay if a guy did that with a Mom friend?

Parents supporting parents

The solution may be for Dads to forge their own groups, which is happening all over the country. If you Google “stay at home Dad groups” you can find a link to a group in almost every major city. This is what my husband needed 12 years ago when he stayed home with our oldest son. Way to go, Dads!

A Dad group gets guys together, but doesn’t address the feelings of my Dad friend. His wife was treating him with disrespect and he wanted someone to listen. He told me he had other SAHD friends, but they never talked about this type of thing. They shared parenting tips, but didn’t talk about relationships.

I stood in the parking lot and talked with my friend for about 40 minutes. He helped me understand just because a guy isn’t saying something, doesn’t mean he’s not feeling it. My friend wanted recognition for a job well done. He wanted help around the house. He wanted a better division of responsibilities in his family. He wanted his wife to stop taking advantage of the fact that he was at home with the kids.

Wow. Again. Maybe we are more alike than we realize.

The next time you see a proud Papa with a baby carrier or stroller, give him a bit more than just a smile. Give him a way to feel appreciated and heard. After all, we’re all in this parenting thing together, right?

When Eileen Calandro isn’t writing blog posts, taking care of the kids, and working as the Chief Mom Connector of Mom Central, she is appreciating her husband who works outside the home. You can read about other things she appreciates on her personal blog at calandroclan.com and connect with her on twitter at @MomCentralChat and @calandro5.

Eileen Calandro